Day One of the Rest of Your Life
by pressontoknow
Summary: She loves him, she loves him, she loves him. He glances over at Karen and grins at her. She winks in reply. She hates him. Pam deals with the events of "The Job". One-shot.


She loves him, she loves him, she loves him.

He glances over at Karen and grins at her. She winks in reply.

She hates him.

Was this how he had felt for four straight years? Now she hates herself.

She waves as he leaves and wishes them both luck. His eyes stay on her for just a moment more than necessary and her heart squeezes painfully when the door finally closes. Her eyes fill with unexpected tears and she quietly makes her way to the restroom for a few moments alone.

Phyllis catches her on the way to the break room. "Hey, Pam, early lunch?"

She's a pro at lying after so many years making excuses for Roy. "Yeah, I actually forgot my lunch so I'm just going to run home and get it."

"Okay," Phyllis replies softly, reaching out and gently squeezing Pam's hand. "Sweetie," she whispers, soft enough that no one else will hear, "I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but someday you're going to be happy again."

The tears are welling over and it's all she can do to squeeze Phyllis' hand in return, run to her desk and grab her purse, and make it to the elevator before she breaks down. She can hardly see to drive home, and once she pulls up to her apartment she rests her head on the steering wheel and sobs.

She understands now why he left when she was with Roy. And thank God he was leaving again because she just can't take it anymore. Never seeing him again had to be easier than seeing him love Karen.

So many days of having to act like she was happy for them, of getting to know Karen and trying to hate her but being unable to because she really was a genuinely kind person. Feeling him rip out her heart and stomp on it when she tried to apologize about Roy. He was so sarcastic, acting like her words didn't mean anything to him. For just a moment she'd wished she hadn't concealed the bruise on her cheek, the bruise Roy had given her, quite so well, just so Jim could see how much she meant it when she said things were over between them.

It would have been easier if he was distant all the time. But he wasn't. They still had good days, when they joked around and even played the occasional prank on Dwight. She wanted to distance herself, tried with Roy, and then by hardening her heart, but he broke down her walls so easily. She'd spent the last seven months dying from loving him, and all the while he was falling in love with Karen.

She stumbles into her apartment after fifteen minutes and calls her mom. She can't even put into words all that she's feeling and so just sits on her sofa, crying softly as her mom says how sorry she is and how someday Pam will be happy again and how she needs to keep busy. Pam doesn't even argue when her mom says she's going to sign her up for "one of those dating websites". She's sick of thinking, and what better way to keep her mind busy than by going on dates with random men who'll remind her of how much she lost with Jim?

She starts crying again at the thought and finally gets off the phone with her mom, promising she'll call her again after work.

By the time Pam gets back to work it's been an hour and a half. She tells Michael she'd had car trouble and smiles sadly at Phyllis as she sits down at her desk. She lets out a big breath. She has a fresh face of makeup on and felt better after crying, though her eyes are still stinging. She's ready to put on the best act of her life—being okay after the love of her life has left, and even being happy for him.

She's barely been back for five minutes when Amy, the on-site director, asks if she can come give them a blurb on Jim's leaving. Inwardly she cringes, but she'd known it was coming.

She finds herself replying honestly to the one question they ask her: "How do you feel about Jim getting this job and leaving Scranton?" She wants him to be happy. More than anything, that was what mattered to her. Even if it was cliché.

They seem to realize she can't handle any other questions just yet.

She goes home that night feeling about as awful as she had at lunch. Work had helped keep her mind off of things, but her new apartment is empty and quiet and lonely. The silence is not conducive to trying to keep her mind from racing.

That night at the beach, she had given him another chance with her. At first she hadn't been fazed by his lack of acknowledgement. Perhaps he just needed some time to think, or he wanted to sort things out with Karen first, give them a fresh start. But now that he's gone she has to admit what she's been trying to ignore for so long—he's moved on. He doesn't love her anymore.

She whispers the words into the darkness of her bedroom that night. It had seemed impossible that anything could hurt more than seeing him walk away from her, but here it was—more pain.

_Congratulations, you have unlocked a new level!_

She chuckles morbidly, thinking this isn't the type of achievement that deserves an air five, and buries her face in the pillow that's mopping up her tears.

Morning finds her with a pounding headache and swollen red eyes. She hangs her head as she swings her feet to the floor. "Day one of the rest of your life," she whispers sadly.

She had spent the previous evening alternating between painting her guest bathroom—a dark green that had reminded her of Jim's eyes when she bought it and she knew she would soon hate—and going through her things to remove whatever reminded her of Jim. The teapot sat in its box beneath her bed. Next to it was the shell from his visit to Cape Cod, wrapped in a pretty lace handkerchief he'd bought for her on a whim at a garage sale two years ago. Before the shell had sat on her nightstand and she'd fallen to sleep every night looking at it, remembering how big his smile had been when he'd given it to her. Now she'd never look at it again.

The one allowance she had made was his yearbook picture, tucked safely in her wallet where no one would ever see it.

Her phone keeps buzzing as she dresses, all texts from her mom checking up on her. On a whim she reaches toward the back of her closet and pulls out the pink cardigan she'd been wearing the first time Jim had ever called her "Beesly", several days after he'd started at Dunder Mifflin. He'd blushed when he realized he'd said it, but she responded with "Halpert", and that was how it all started.

A tear runs down her cheek as she hugs the cardigan tight around her shoulders, but she decides to allow herself this weakness, if just for this first day.

If yesterday was bad, today is somehow simultaneously both much worse and a little bit better. The previous day had at least begun with Jim's smile. Today that's all she wants to see as she works with Dwight. Nothing is nearly as fun when Jim isn't here.

It's possible that stress will kill her before the day is out. Dwight is a nice distraction, but the closer the clock gets to two, the more nervous she is thinking about Jim's interview. She wants him to do well, because that will make him happy. She hopes he doesn't think her note is too cheesy, hopes he likes the medal as much as she had loved making it, working and having fun with him. She hopes…

Michael's refusal to say whether or not Karen had gotten the job makes Pam want to both slap him upside the head and have a nervous breakdown. She isn't surprised to find herself in the bathroom a couple minutes later trying to keep the tears that cloud her vision from spilling down her cheeks.

She loves Jim. She loves him so much more than she'd ever loved Roy, and if she'd been given the opportunity she could have loved him so much more. He is attractive, silly, sweet, extremely kind, friendly, playful, respectful, hilarious, creative, adventurous… He never made her feel weak or embarrassed when she cried in front of him. He was supportive of all her dreams and genuinely interested in her art. He made her feel safe and smart and interesting and funny.

She loves him.

She ends up spending more than just a couple minutes in the bathroom. Heartbreak certainly lends itself to her being an emotional wreck. The cold water that runs over her hands is a fixed point to hold onto. She keeps her hands in the sink and stares into the sad eyes that meet hers in the mirror.

In many ways, losing Jim is a far greater tragedy than losing Roy. Ending things with Roy had put to death some expectations, but losing Jim puts to death dreams. Not all of them. She's learning to stand on her own two feet, so soon she'll begin pursuing her art. Someday she wants to travel. Maybe someday she'll even find love again, painful as the thought is.

Losing Jim costs her a specific set of dreams, hidden away in her heart for years now. Dreams of getting to stare into those green eyes and kiss him. Of showing him all the new drawings she had ideas for. Of dating him, and one day saying yes when he knelt in front of her. Of wearing white for him, and having green eyed children with him, and laughing with him forever. One day she's going to have a house with a terrace, but she wanted Jim there with her. He was the one she wanted to look through baby name books with. He was the one she wanted to hold her hand when she saw and experienced all those new, exciting places and things and opportunities that life still has in store for her.

Pam takes a deep breath and lets those dreams go. Maybe one day Jim will be back. More than likely, he won't be. But she really does want him to be happy, and _she_ wants to be happy. If that happiness is found more easily when they're apart, then so be it.

She's hardly stepped out of the restroom when Amy finds her and asks if they can see her in the conference room. The sympathetic look she gives Pam says that maybe she hasn't done such a good job of hiding the evidence of her tears after all. Pam decides to play it off as a sleepless night, which is just another contributing factor to her red eyes.

"So, Pam," Amy begins, sitting across from her in the conference room, "any news on Jim?"

"I haven't heard anything," Pam replies honestly. "But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart…everyone loves him."

Amy nods slowly and folds her hands on the table. "And you, Pam? Any…change since we spoke yesterday?"

Pam sighs and studies the grain of the table for a moment as she gathers her thoughts. "Well, I guess if I'm being honest I'd have to tell you that _I_…love him. Whew," she exclaims with a chuckle, "there it is. I love Jim Halpert."

Amy and the cameraman, Keith, both grin.

Pam's smile fades just a bit. "But I guess…that doesn't matter very much anymore." A tear slips down her cheek and she wipes it away hastily.

Amy sighs and gently covers Pam's hand with her own. "Pam, you know we all care so much about your wellbeing. This can all be totally off the record, none of it ever has to air. If you need to get anything else off your chest, you're welcome to talk to us."

Pam nods slowly and sniffs, staying quiet for a moment. "Alright, well…" She takes a deep breath and looks up at the camera again. "I love Jim, but not only that, he's my best friend. I really do just want him to be happy, that hasn't changed. And…if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends, and I'm sure we'll stay friends."

"So would you say," Amy inquires, "that you've…pretty much let him go?"

Pam shrugs. "We just, we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down and then he did the same to me and… But you know what, it's okay."

Amy nods, her eyes sympathetic.

"I'm totally fine," Pam asserts, perhaps stretching the truth a bit but feeling better than she has all day. "Everything is gonna be totally f—"

She's interrupted by the door opening, and she hears the voice she never thought she'd hear again.

"Pam," Jim says, nodding his apology to the camera, "are you free for dinner tonight?"

She's in shock, drinking in the sight of his beautiful face and he's _back_, he didn't _leave_, and all she can muster up is a simple "Yes" to the most important question he's ever asked her.

"Alright," he says softly, his eyes drinking her in similarly, "then it's a date." He's tapping on the doorframe in a way she knows means he's nervous, and he gives her the briefest, sweetest smile before closing the door.

She's gaping at Amy, grinning like a lovestruck idiot—which, of course, she is. It all happened so fast, it doesn't seem real. She realizes the camera is still on her and she tries to blink away the tears that, this time, aren't sad at all. "I'm sorry," she says in a shaky voice she doesn't quite recognize, "what was the question?"

Amy and Keith both have smiles that could match her own and Amy waves Pam toward the door. "Don't worry about us, go after him! We'll let you have this one on your own."

She grins at them and shoots up from her chair, halfway out the door when Amy's voice stops her. She turns back.

"Take a deep breath and remember this moment," the director orders softly. "This is day one of the rest of your life, Pam."

He must have just come back to ask her out because Jim isn't in the office by the time Pam's steps out. Michael tells her Jim went home in response to her frantic questions and she dashes out, not bothering to grab her coat or anything else. She runs down the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator, and finally sees him walking toward his car, his shoulders slumping forward easily and his hands in his pockets.

"Jim!" she yells as she bursts out the door, sprinting toward him and praying she doesn't break an ankle trying to run in kitten heels.

He spins around and smiles widely as she skids to a stop a few steps in front of him. They just grin at each other for a long moment before a blush colors his cheeks and he clears his throat. "Something you need, Beesly?"

She's breathing hard from running all over trying to find him, and she gasps in a deep breath. "What…what about Karen?"

He shakes his head, his eyes sad for just a moment. "I was finally honest with her. She's not…the person I see my future with."

She sucks in a breath at all the potential in his words. "And…the job?"

He shrugs. "I told them I didn't want it." He pulls his hand out of his pocket and holds up the medal she made for him. "I just…I don't want to go anywhere if you're not there."

Tears are filling her eyes and she lets out a thrilled laugh and takes another step forward. "You're coming back." It comes out more a statement than a question.

He nods slowly, smiling even wider if possible. "I am entirely back this time." He reaches out and gently brushes his fingertips along her cheek before pulling her to him, pressing his lips softly against hers with just a hint of the desperation that was in their last kiss. "Oh, Pam, I…"

"I love you," she interrupts, another grin threatening to split her face as she presses her forehead against his. "You probably should have been the first to know that but I just told Amy and Keith so…sorry."

The delighted laugh that spills from his lips is quite possibly the most beautiful sound she's ever heard. "I love you too, Pam. God, you have no idea how much I love you."

She stands on her tiptoes and presses another quick kiss to his lips. "Oh Jim, I was so sad when you were gone." She blushes, sure he'll think she's stupid or silly or—

He nods, his gaze completely serious, and he presses a kiss just next to her nose. "Me too, Pam. I hated being apart from you."

She's not sure how it happens but she finds herself holding on to him so tightly, she's surprised he can breathe, but he's holding her just as tight. For several seconds they just hold each other and then he squeezes her a bit tighter and she squeals with laughter. He pulls away and he's grinning again. "Do you want to go grab your things and we can leave?"

Closing her eyes, she shakes her head. "Let me just remember this moment really quick."

She pretends to be mad, but she'll admit later that his lips on hers in the next second definitely helped her commit that moment to memory.


End file.
